As far as travel mishaps go, there are the typical, and then there are those that would only happen to me. My anxiety-fueled brain works hard before a trip to imagine every little thing that could go wrong. Be that as it may, I never saw these debacles coming. Here are my top five laughable travel mishaps.
1. My Fight with a Donkey
While hiking down one of Ecuador’s volcanos, Quilotoa, I was (to put it bluntly) kicked in the ass by an ass. In fairness, the hike was steep, hot, and depleting—and I wasn’t the one forced to carry people up and down it on my back all day. So if I was the donkey, I would probably have kicked me too. Although it was shocking and may have bruised me a little, I was ultimately fine.
When I got to the lake at the bottom, my butt hurt, I was exhausted, and any animal activism I had was drained from my body. My choices were to either take one of the poor donkeys back up to the top or move into Quilotoa lake. Comically, the only donkey available was the exact one that had kicked me not long before. I was hesitant but desperate so I made a truce. My new donkey friend and I made it back to the top with relatively little trauma and only a slight allergy attack on my end.
2. Toenails
People who know me well will read this and just be thankful I was clipping my toenails for once. I was working in a hostel in Ecuador, and in my downtime I decided to indulge in some self-maintenance. I went into my shoe box sized bathroom, and like the feral animal I am, lifted my foot onto the sink. For those who haven’t tried this move before: I was wobbling on one leg and had the second on the edge of the sink with all my weight on it. Next thing I know, the ceramic sink bowl came crashing down to the cement floor and barely missed my standing foot. In a panic I lifted the basin back up onto the bamboo pedastal that was holding it moments before. I managed to get the sink back in place, but it was missing a chunk of its ceramic.
I can’t tell a lie to save my life, and the bad karma that could transpire is enough that I won’t even try, so I immediately told my boss. I could tell she wasn’t pleased—especially since she had to replace a mattress that a guest drunkenly peed on just days before. Fortunately, her husband was able to super glue the piece back in, and it only kind-of sort-of looked like a mess.
3. The Arrival Gate
Flying out of the country is like a roundabout: it’s scary, so you pay close attention to what you’re doing. I’ve been flying on my own to North Carolina since I was a kid, so for me, it is more like driving the same route to and from work each day—it’s easy to zone out. That is my excuse for waiting an hour and a half at the North Carolina arrival gate, instead of the departure gate. It wasn’t until the plane had taken off without me that it all clicked. I didn’t make the visit to my dad that year and I have yet to live down the jokes.
4. The Dangers of Showering
In the United States, electric showers are pretty much unheard of. It wasn’t until I visited Ecuador that I became familiar with the paradox of purposely mixing water and electricity. I spent the first six weeks in a little beach town where hot water wasn’t even available, so by the time I had access to a warm water source I didn’t care that it resembled a toaster oven. I pressed the “on” button, got in, and waited for the water to heat up. I’m the type that likes to leave a shower with my skin burnt and blotchy, so when the water temperature plateaued at a non-satisfactory lukewarm I turned the dial up to it’s maximum. At that moment, a jolt of electricity shot up my arm, and I had what I’m dramatizing as a near-death experience. In reality, it was no more than a large shock but it was enough to scare me out of changing the temperature in all my future electric showers.
“The traveler sees what he sees. The tourist sees what he has come to see.”
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5. If You Give an Ant Airplane Food
Apparently, ants love airplane food. In Northern Thailand, I worked on a farm in exchange for room and board. My room was pretty much a bamboo tree house minus the “tree” part. While unpacking I considered throwing away the food from my flight to Chiang Mai, but because it was wrapped I figured it was safe to keep. Spoiler alert—I was wrong.
After unpacking, I met with my hosts for dinner. I had been gone for no more than two hours, but ants are fast workers. I climbed the wooden stairs to my room, opened the bamboo door, and saw that the floor was moving. I held back a shriek and ran back down the stairs, across the farm property, and to the kitchen where luckily, my hosts were still awake. I explained that my floor had been replaced by ants but they seemed unbothered. They handed me ant spray and a broom to sweep up the carcasses. The spray instantly killed the army but my anxiety had me thinking the fumes would kill me next. I’ve never had another ant problem but I’ve yet to discover whether inhaling ant poison has any long-term effects.
